Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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