i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
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Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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