five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
