just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
