uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
