____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I met the friendliest cop last night
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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