if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
