I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
