glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
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As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
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Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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