so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
