Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
