You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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