i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
