i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
that's an acceptable place to lick
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
