So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
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You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
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There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.