I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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