Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
