She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
