If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
