She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
