Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
