I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
