life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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