last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's not a walk of shame if you run
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize