Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
