I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
