I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
