I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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