Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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