"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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