i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
