Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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