Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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