The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
is wine microwaveable?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
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As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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