I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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