My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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