Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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