so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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