They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
