Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
