Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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