Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
