How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
