By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
