I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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