You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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