i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
