I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
