you told grandpa to call you daddy
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
