that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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