I feel like abortions should bother me more
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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