You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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