How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I could make wine with my vomit
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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