This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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