i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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