I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
